Chapped Lips (thanks to Dick Beal )
A cowboy rode into town and pulled his horse up in front of the first saloon that he came to. He dismounted and tied the horse to the hitching rail and saw that he was being watched by a group of old-timers sitting on a bench beside the front door of the saloon. The cowboy went to the rear of the horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse. He then turned to walk into the saloon. "How come you done that cowboy?" asked one old timer. "I've got chapped lips," replied the cowboy. "Does that make em' heal up faster?" asked the old timer. "Naw," replied the cowboy. "It stops me from lickin' em and maken' em worse."

Chief Steward (thanks to Basil Bean)
It was a typical bush race meeting, the difference was that there was a new Chief Steward on the job, a man who'd officiated at major city tracks and everyone was waiting to see what would happen at his first race meeting. One of the local trainers was in the mounting yard and the steward saw him slip something into his horse's mouth so he rushed over and demanded to know what it was. The trainer replied, in his best outback drawl " Well, yer see, 'e likes 'is bit a sugar , so I always give him a cube just before 'e races. 'ere ,I'll 'ave one just to show that there's nothin' in it." and he swallowed one. The Steward wasn't convinced so demanded that he be given one so that he could see if there was anything amiss with the supposedly innocent sugar cube. He swallowed it and walked away muttering to himself "Bloody bush bandits- thinking that they could put one over me" As the trainer is legging the jockey up he gave him very clear instructions- "Ride 'im in about fourth spot to the turn then let 'im go, and if anything passes you, don't worry, it'll only be me or the Chief Steward !"

The Preacher's Horse
A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines, "Preacher's Ass shows" The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said, "Preacher's Ass out in Front" The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper printed this headline, "Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass" This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal. The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read, "Nun has the Best Ass in Town" The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00. The paper states, "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks" They buried the Bishop the next day

Marylou
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?" He says, "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." She is appeased and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, "What's that for this time?" She answered, "Your horse called."